The following is an outline of the roles in a healthy family. The text is adapted from Patricia Love’s book “The Emotional Incest Syndrome”( pp. 98-109). She relied on the research of family therapist Salvador Minuchin to develop her model. To better understand family dynamics Minuchin divided the family into three subgroups: The spousal unit, the parental unit, and the sibling unit. The following is a description of the roles and responsibilities of these three family subgroups.
The Spousal Unit: Roles & Responsibilities of Adult Partners
1. The adult partners respect and support each other. In a healthy family system, the two partners are “best friends”. They are genuinely interested in each other and show this interest on a daily basis. They count on each other when the going gets rough, and they consider each other a buffer against the outside world. They are able to greet each other warmly after a hard day and can say “I need some attention” or “I need to rest”. They freely share their dreams, their successes and their frustrations.
2. The partners nurture each other. In a healthy family system, the adult partners take care of each other. They offer encouragement, support and affirmation. They make each other feel loved and respected. They give each other special privileges and surprises. Hugs, kisses and nonsexual touches are common forms of nurturing. If one of the partners is sick or disabled, the other gladly lends a helping hand.
3. The partners practice tolerance. Happy couples understand that living together requires tolerance and compromise, which helps them overlook benign personality quirks and respect each other’s individuality. They are not threatened by each other’s need for individual time and space. Mistakes are taken as a part of life, and apologies are freely given and accepted. The partners have a realistic view of marriage and are prepared for the fact that there will be boring or difficult periods to endure.
4. The partners have fun together. In a healthy family, the adult partners engage in activities that both individuals enjoy, ranging from board games to tennis. The adults have a shared sense of humor. The more fun they have together, the more spontaneous they become. This spontaneity adds a spark to their relationship and keeps romantic love alive.
5. The adult partners are lovers. Individuals who are involved in a healthy, primary love relationship delight in their sensuality. They maintain their sexual energy over time by exploring new options, taking risks, and developing different styles of sexual expression. They share intimate details of their sexual relationship only with each other. If any sexual difficulties arise, they work together to resolve them. They adapt their sexual practices to compensate for any changes due to physical ailments, childbearing, aging, or stress. If they are unable to resolve their difficulties they are able to seek outside support from a therapist or counselor.
6. The partners may share significant interests. In a healthy family system, the adult partners have some mutual interests and activities. While they do some things apart, they share some interests. They add variety to their lives by going on “dates”, taking vacations without the children, and cultivating shared activities. As a result, the children witness a marriage that looks interesting and fulfilling. Nurturing the marriage relationship is an essential part of positive parenting.
7. The parents are confidants. Partners in a healthy love relationship share their thoughts, feelings, and dreams on a regular basis. They use each other as a sounding board. They maintain an ongoing dialogue about daily life, which strengthens their emotional ties. They freely share their concerns, woes, frustrations, and joys. They plan for the future. This honest, easygoing communication serves as the glue that keeps them together through rough times.
8. The adults are financial partners. In a healthy system, the adult partners have a mutually agreeable system for paying bills, making purchases, investing money, and planning for future financial needs. They consult with each other frequently so each is well informed. They value each others contributions to the household, whether the work is inside or outside the home. When money problems arise, they work together to find solutions.
9. The adults are each other’s primary social partner. Committed couples attend social functions together, whether it be family reunions, weddings, business affairs, church, or school activities. Appearing together at social functions builds common experience and makes a public statement of union and permanence.
10. The adult partners resolve conflicts and work out problems. In a functional family, the adult partners work together as a team to find solutions to problems. They brainstorm, form strategies, and set goals. This mutual problem-solving develops a shared accomplishment. If the partners have problems within their relationship, they respectfully express their feelings of anger, hurt, fear or resentment. Each person listens with full attention to the other. Apologies may be necessary, as well as comfort and reassurance.
An ideal partnership is based on mutuality. The adult partners nurture and get nurtured. They give and they take. It’s an intimate, equitable relationship characterized by give and take. Parenting, in contrast, in largely a selfless task, one that requires a great deal of sacrifice, patience, and self-discipline. Good parents take care of the child’s needs, but they don’t allow the child to feel responsible for their needs.
The Parental Unit: Roles and Responsibilities of Parents
1. Functional parents provide food, clothing, shelter, and medical and dental care. Parents provide the basic necessities of life. Ideally the food they provide is nutritious, they encourage the children to get adequate exercise, and they model a healthy lifestyle.
2. Functional parents offer their children adequate protection. Functional parents protect their children f rom obvious hazards such as busy streets, criminals, and dangerous animals. They also protect them from more subtle dangers, such as experiences and information they are not equipped to handle. To this end, they must supervise their children’s exposure to scary or violent tv shows, movies and video games. They must monitor their children’s activities in and away from the home, and protect them from information or experiences that might be damaging.
3. Functional parents are physically affectionate. In a healthy family, parents freely use hugs, pats, and kisses to convey their love. They know that touch is vital to the physical and emotional health of a child. Infants who are deprived of physical touch may fail to thrive.
4. Functional parents understand and accept normal stages of child development. Functional parents have a basic understanding of child development. They know, for example, that a year old child spills things, cries a lot, and tires easily. This is age-appropriate behavior, which is freely accepted. Wise parents are also alert to behavior that does not fit within normal bounds. If a 10-year-old consistently acts like a 5-year-old, for example, they will not hesitate to seek professional help.
Enmeshed parents will err on one side or the other, either expecting too much or too little. A parent with unrealistic expectations, for example, might expect a high degree of compassion for others from a 3-year-old. A parent with too-low expectations might consistently overprotect an older child from the consequences of his behavior.
5. Functional parents take into account each child’s age and stage of development when assigning privileges and responsibilities. Wise parents respect the age differences in the family. This means that they grant a teenager more privileges and freedom than a grade-school child. A policy of issuing rewards and privileges on an age basis contributes to the well-being of each child. The younger child learns that there are privileges associated with maturity; the older child feels rewarded for assuming added levels of responsibility. When parents are logical and consistent in the issuing of these privileges, the children are assured of the predictability, order and fairness of the family system.
6. Functional parents establish clear rules and guidelines. Limits give children a safe and secure environment in which to grow. The way the limits are determined depends on the circumstances, age, and disposition of the child. For example, wise parents set limits for toddlers by child-proofing the home and removing them from dangerous situations. They set limits for older children by offering explanations, presenting clear choices, rewarding good behavior, and allowing them to experience natural consequences when appropriate. They set flexible limits for teenagers by allowing them to practice the techniques of negotiating and compromise.
Parents who try to be “best friends” with their children don’t set appropriate limits. Their children may grow up to not respect authority and natural hierarchies. They are more likely to have trouble adhering to rules and regulations. They may feel little guilt or remorse associated with violating the rules. This attitude may carry over to the workplace, making employment difficult.
7. Functional parents validate the child’s thoughts and feelings and teach appropriate ways to express them. Effective parents encourage their children to express their thoughts and feelings. They do this by being attentive listeners. When necessary, they help their children find appropriate ways to express challenging emotions like sadness or anger. A good way to do this is by setting a good example, then establishing consistent rules and guidelines. In a functional family, children learn that they can say what they are thinking or feeling without risking ridicule or undue criticism.
8. Functional parents respect and encourage each child’s uniqueness. Ideally, parents make an effort to reinforce the special qualities of each child. To do this, they must be able to see each child as a unique human being, distinct from both themselves and from other children. When a parent is enmeshed they may expect the child to mirror his tastes and interests, or insist that the child live up to unrealistically high standards. As a result the child may experience confusion and anger.
9. In a two-parent household, the parents support each other’s authority. Few parents are in total agreement about how to handle their children. It is important, however, that they publicly support each other. Whenever possible, they negotiate behind the scenes and present a united front to the children. When that is not possible they support each other’s decisions.
10. Functional parents encourage their children’s independence. Children start out life totally dependent upon their caregivers. By the time they are old enough to leave the family, they need to be able to make wise decisions, provide for their own safety and well-being, accept responsibility for their actions, and have the social skills to develop a network of friends. Wise parents know that their job is to help create a mature young adult who can survive and thrive in a given culture, and they do this by encouraging the child’s natural drive towards independence at all stages of development.
Unwittingly many parents frustrate a child’s independence by doing too much for the child, making the child unduly fearful, or by placing too many restrictions on the child’s behavior.
The Sibling Unit: Roles & Responsibilities of Siblings
1. Siblings teach each other valuable social skills. In a healthy family system, brothers and sisters provide an opportunity to learn social skills that will help them to get along with peers. They learn about the use and abuse of power, how to negotiate, and how to resolve differences. This is where they learn how to give and take, and just how far they can push.
2. Siblings form a natural support group. In a healthy family system, siblings have a support group within the family that is independent of the adults. For example, it is not uncommon for siblings to have information they withhold from their parents. They support each other when confronted by those outside the family. Siblings who get along well identify with each other’s successes and go out of their way to pass on valuable skills. When they mature, these positive experiences make it relatively easy for them to participate in group activities and to be team players.
3. Brothers and sisters form a society of near equals. In the sibling arena, the child has an appropriate frame of reference. The older child gets to feel superior to the younger child, and the younger child has a role model that is not out of reach. This contributes to the child’s emerging sense of self.
4. Siblings provide a social setting for learning. The “work” of young children is to develop motor and verbal skills, explore, play, learn, fantasize, create games, and develop a host of other rudimentary skills. A brother or sister relatively close in age can make a good playmate.
5. Brothers and sisters help each other develop and refine an accurate personal history. As siblings grow up, they realize that they have a lot in common. They discover that they are united by a common body of experience and by having been raised in the same religious, economic, ethnic, and social environment. Talking about the past with a sibling can correct, reinforce, or clarify privately held notions and contribute to a common sense of reality.
